the hilton hotel, room 2727

bulcsu @ 2007-05-06T14:28:00

2007-05-06T19:33:53Z

i'm seeing modest mouse tonight. i'm still sort of depressed, but i'm doing much better i think. and it's had a good effect on my personality, too. i'm much quieter at school and i'm better at being serious when i should. it's what i've been wanting, so i don't know that i should be complaining about my mood so much.

i'm feeling a little light-headed from taking a shower for forty-five minutes at the highest heat with the door closed. sort of a mistake, but i hadnt showered for a couple days so it was real nice to feel clean.

i've got homework to do, and the show starts at 8. i better get it done. eventually. [aka never ; ) ]

the palm reading

2007-05-06T15:23:56Z

i traced one of the lines in my hands
until it writhed and then dove, serpentlike,
under the flesh, darting along capillaries
and dancing among blood cells busy with
the oxygen they traffick so illegally through veins and vessels.
i can feel the line wriggle, prophetic, in my
throat, blossoming into a pink tongue
that curls inward, seeking bits of cereal
from the spaces between my teeth.
i can feel the line spill out from my eyes,
invisible, to snag the world and reel it in,
to a place where i can use it.
i drag my finger against my palm --
you're supposed to be able to tell your future from these things.

i'll die at 35 from an overdose, and again at 41
in an auto wreck. or a suicide,
it'll all amount to the same thing.

breaded veal cutlets

2007-04-30T00:44:36Z

and while i'm at it, another old one.

you are a natural blonde
with bangs like whimpers.
your legs are swan
necks thin and consistently
sexy.
but your prominence
was initally established by
your anemic veal calf eyes
(this image stuck with me for weeks
and recurred often at work, where
i was required to place into plastic:
breaded cutlets of your
pale, tender flesh.)
which is not to say
that you are weak: au
contraire. in fact, i cannot
imagine the strength it would
take to bear the sadness that you
keep with you and not just
wither.
your smiles are like stuffed toy grins
or prayers.

edge of

2007-04-30T00:43:38Z

i wrote this for a just-for-fun writing contest a while back. the prompt was "edge," and since i wrote it i've been fiddling around with it a little bit. i'm not as happy with it as i used to be, but i kept it, and i like it enough to share. :P

edge of:
cliff, we are suspended
from a rope and locked together
in a harness, not a metaphor
for anything.
edge of:
knife, slightly dulled
with a hundred billion carrots
or mushrooms, maybe onions
you came for
dinner, and it was
hardly anything.
broken plates herald
broken hearts and
you and I tend to take
these things just a bit
too far.
edge of:
cliff, once again.

bulcsu @ 2007-04-28T15:38:00

2007-04-28T20:39:38Z

i ain't gonna hang out with any of my friends past the modest mouse concert next weekend (if he even bothers showing up)

voluntary suspension

cornstalks

2007-04-28T14:44:50Z

i am running barefoot through a cornfield
whose colors thinly shadow the sun
that has climbed too high in the sky
to ever come down. i trip
over a boy lying in the dirt
and i wake him.

the boy, wearing overalls and boots
and a smile like evaporated earth,
speaks to me for miles. we dance
to the songs of frightened crows
but they do not keep tempo well,
and we fumble our footing often.

"meet me here tomorrow," he says,
"same time. same place. we will dance
again."

the next day
i spend indoors, nursing my crushed toes.

said, both of us must suffer from this same unending ache.

2007-04-28T09:05:28Z

i've been having some trouble writing poetry lately, and that's kinda bad since it's turning into my only hobby. i baked a cake yesterday, by which i mean the middle of thursday night, and it was a little disappointing but it tasted good enough. it probably wouldve been much better with some frosting, but i was tired and i didn't feel like going to the trouble of waiting for it to cool and whatnot. anyways, it was pretty well-received but weekly baking isn't helping my mood much.

it's always a bad sign when listening to music doesn't affect my mood, but it might be a worse sign when the only music i feel an urge to listen to is <i>depressing</i>. i've been going through a lot of bright eyes and elliott smith recently, which is maybe the worst sign there is but i have listened to a few boy least likely to songs which are great uppers.

still, i'm a little worried about my mental status. i feel like it's just deteriorating. yesterday (by which i mean thursday) i was pretty withdrawn, enough that i got myself noticed for it, and i'm not sure which is worse: withdrawn or bitter & cruelly sarcastic.

i usually get this way around january of the beginning of each year, and jan 2006 was maybe the worst. this year i didn't get it in january so maybe it's just been postponed. hopefully that won't have a hose effect, i'm thinkin wishfully that this is gonna die down or i can stomp it out without it being prolonged much more. i really feel like i should have more control over it.

every single one of my friends has plans this weekend. my brother has work in the evening until late at night, and he sleeps in way late so i'm not sure about doing anything with him. maybe some quality moping for a couple days'll make me feel better.

oh livejournal my best friend thank god i have computers with which to despair

bulcsu @ 2007-04-28T03:19:00

2007-04-28T08:28:26Z

i am sick of how woe i am recently today i felt ridiculously bitter and took it out on a guy i barely know

my friends are proving to be unreliable. i had enough trouble gettin in with them, and plus they're great buddies but i wouldn't trust them with my life. so i won't get rid of em, but right now i'm pretty resentful.

link to "electrosmog lady":
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=450995&in_page_id=1879

daisyworld

2007-04-26T01:37:13Z

this is actually really interesting. give it a skim at least.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daisyworld

bulcsu @ 2007-04-25T20:04:00

2007-04-26T01:07:39Z

ohhhhh am i tired. i usually am asleep by now. anyways, first entry. still busy setting up my journal and what-not. hopefully will make some nice friendly friends.

my boredom is far-reaching and intense. it makes sense that i only create a livejournal when i'm feeling down. following the inevitable cheering-up, i will probably abandon this lj for the non-internet. or maybe this'll consume my soul and i'll quit eating and sleeping and school to focus on livejournal.

with me, i frankly cannot figure out which is more likely.